I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Rumble strips road head = magical
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
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