This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
