you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
