Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
