he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
