i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
