I should be sponsored by Trojan
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
you had me at cake vodka
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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