Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
