I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
