he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Sorry my hands just texted you
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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