Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
