my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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