You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
