So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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