is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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