Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
