hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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