I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
