I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
