Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
