So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
