You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
