I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
