I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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