...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
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last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
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I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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