i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
