Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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