Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
