i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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