OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
