only you would photoshop your dick
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
