Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
