EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
