Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
