How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
