Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
