We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
