I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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