Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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