my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
