hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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