My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
