Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
