Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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