umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
