i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
