he thought i was a dude.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
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just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
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I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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