if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
