i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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