stop calling my apartment porn island.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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