He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
