my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
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He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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