I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
