if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
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We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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