everyone is single if you try hard enough
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
