if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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